Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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