i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
