Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
