Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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