I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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