Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
