I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
