Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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