saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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