Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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