I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
