from now on my penis is your penis
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
