I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
