i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
