she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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