I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
it hurts more in the daytime
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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