Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
