when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
