Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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