So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I accidentally burped into my bong.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
