things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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