i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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