Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
