You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
