Im at strip club and am horny
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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