Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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