So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
