i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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