He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Let's get the cat blown out
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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