I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
