god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
