Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
