That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
