Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
