when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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