i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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