she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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