a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
