I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
