my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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