i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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