plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
