Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I lost the right to judge tonight
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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