i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
