I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
How does one acquire holy water?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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