I am puke
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
