the new term for farting is butt boxing.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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