Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
North Korea, Best Korea!
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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