Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
