I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
