YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
