Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
