I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
In America we eat man semen.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
